... till NaNoWriMo '09! I failed miserably last year, completely due to lack of follow-through. I am determined to complete not only the goal of 50,000 words, but also the goal of completing a novel, and I am focused on the "prize" of getting a copy of my NaNoNovel in print from CreateSpace.

The NaNo boards officially opened yesterday, on my birthday. Everything is new and shiny and makes me even more excited for November 1st to roll around. There's a huge NaNo "community" here in Texas, so I am looking forward to all of the Write-In's and meet-up's. Hopefully I'll make some new writing buddies/friends!

I am writing a historical fiction novel titled Notes in F#. It was originally titled Song of War, but I decided that title was too... I dunno, boring. I once posted a synopsis of it on a writing message board and was told that the (original) plot was too overdone:

"Frank, a talented, young Jewish cellist, is taken prisoner by the Nazi’s to an extermination camp in the middle years of World War II. His musical talents are discovered while he is imprisoned and he is given special privileges in return for entertaining the German troops. Wanting to use his privileges to his advantage and somehow help his fellow prisoners, many who are waiting to die in the gas chambers, he begins secreting their letters away in his cello. The risks he takes are dangerous, and if he is found out, he will be executed. However, he is determined to survive, not only for his sake, but also for the sake of everyone who entrusted him with their last message to the world."

It was suggested that I revise the plot, so I came up with this:

"In 1947, Frank, a young, American cellist, discovers a stash of letters in the false back to a cello he bought from a second-hand shop. As he reads the letters, he realizes that they are from former prisoners of the Auschwitz concentration camp. He doesn’t know how they came to be in the back of the cello, or how the cello came to be in New York City, or who they’re from, but he does have something to go off of – the recipients of the letters. And so, he begins a quest to deliver the letters to their intended destination, and in turn, begins to piece together stories of war… and of love."

And that - my friends - is all I have to "go off of" for my NaNoNovel this year. I haven't done much research as of yet, but you'd better believe that the library and internet sources are going to be my best friends over the next two months!

I do have some notes that I've saved from various internet sources on what life in Auschwitz was like, as well as what life was like after the camps were liberated. What I really need to read about and research is what life was like here in the States while the War was going on. Nick has work all this weekend, so I'll probably spend my time at Barnes & Noble and the library, taking notes. Fun, fun!  =)

I'd better get used to staying up late to write before November 1st comes around, because I have a feeling that the wee small hours of the morning will be when I do most, if not all, of my writing. Sooo - I'm starting tonight!

The measure of a man…

I used to think it was money, because growing up we didn't have any and it sure seemed like it would help. For the most part, I was right. Money can get you just about everything you could ever need. But does it make you a man? Does it make you a better person? No.

For the longest time I thought women could make me a man. It doesn't prove anything. Money and/or bullshit is all that's needed to get women.

I thought about it for a long time, and I searched ever since I was a kid. I always wanted to be a great man, a remembered man, a man worthy of being called A MAN. It only took me about 40 years to figure it out.

It's love.

Not the English use of the word. I love the color pink! I love pancakes! I love that puppy! I love you! In the English language we've pissed on and perverted the meaning into every day conversation. 'I love you' is tossed around during sex or a massage, and two people exchange that word who don't really mean it because it seems like the right word to say.

I'm talking about the Greek meaning of the word love, mainly Agape.

There are other types of love:

Eros: Erotic, lust, fornicating, hot in the pants, etc.

Philia: Buddy, piazan, my friend, bro, ma nigga, etc.

Thelema: Desire, want, non-sexual (Like, “I thelema a great job with full dental benefits!)

No, those are not what I had been looking for. I had been looking for Agape:

Agape: Love with affection, regardless of attraction. A love where you'd die for that person if you had to. A love that can't be purchased or rented, a love that… and this is corny, but... a love that conquers and ends all.

One friend who grew up in Marshmallow Land where the streets are made of candy and life is perfect said, "Your parents love you like that." No, see, I grew up in Shitsville, where regardless what things looked like, they were made of shit. In my world, the real world, parents can easily abandon a child and not have any feelings for it at all. A child can be called “No shit!” (“This is your son!” - "No shit!") or “Oops!”

You don't just have agape love in your life; you have to earn it. I have that kind of love for my children and a few close friends…

I just now figured out I have that kind of love for my wife.

I realized that life isn't about me; it's about the people I love - my wife, my kids, a select few people. Then, I realized that I can't just shut out people just because I have other things going on in my life. What if I shut out my wife, or the few friends that I actually care about?

Who would I have then?  What would I really have then?

It's time to put away my armor and shield and just try like hell to be a half way decent person. I say, you can't please everybody, don't even try, and don't even give a hardy 'fuck you' to people that piss you off.

Money can be lost in a day. Life can be ended instantly. Drugs and alcohol wear off quickly. Once you have real love, it's not that easy to get rid of. If you can end a relationship in a day and move on, it's not love. If you can forget or get over a person in a week, that's not love. If you really love a person, I mean REALLY LOVE a person, then you have to work hard to get rid of it. Some might say if the love is really true then it's impossible to end… So, in that case, don’t give up on true love if you’ve found it.

If you want something to fight for, fight for love.

I've read the book of Ecclesiastes about a dozen times because I really enjoy it. I just now understood it for the first time and I wasn't even reading it.

The true measure of a person? Just like the height, depth and width:

How much love you've given.
How much love you've received.
How much love you've earned.

I am loved (agape) by more then a few (yes, including Jesus Christ). Do I really need anything else?

Besides ice cream and Diet Coke?

Oh, and cable, GPS, Slingbox, my computer, and my dog…

My Mercedes, this ping pong paddle, a thermos, a remote control, this chair, the googly eyed pencil...


----------

The same could be said for the measure of a woman.

You just told me that you loved me before you hung up the phone - and then you realized what you said.

You hesitated afterwards, as if you wanted to take it back, or say something more... Did you hesitate because you just told me a few days ago that hearing "I love you" and "I miss you" makes it harder on you? Do you still mean it?

 I do.

 And missing you hurts more than anything I've ever experienced, but hearing and knowing that you love me makes things a little easier to bear.

 All I know is, you're the only one in the world who makes me feel less alone.

 I love you, too, Nick.

 And I always will.

Once you meet a man that you really love, the average man doesn't hold much interest.

 It sounds sappy, but I fell in love with him all over again while he was here. I shed more than a few tears over the several days we were together, but I was just so overwhelmed with love that I just couldn't hold it inside. I have never felt this way before, and while it's kind of scary, it's more exciting than anything. This feeling I have for him makes me feel alive; electrified.

There is so much I wanted to tell him; that I wanted to talk with him about... but we only had five days together. I wanted to talk about everything - politics, religion, relationships, family, friends, goals, dreams, hopes, fears... Maybe next time.

In a world that seems intent on “making love,” I find it necessary to spend a few moments “knowing love.”

To “know love” is to know that you have someone in your life whose mere presence gives you courage, strength and the inspiration every day to become a better person.

To “know love” is to know that even though you and your lover may not always agree, deep inside, you truly want the best for each other, and you strive to always protect and comfort each other.

To “know love” is to know that you’d rather fight with each other than make love to anyone else in the world.

To “know love” is to acknowledge that there will be tough times between each other, and that one or both of you may sometimes just want to give up, but all the while knowing in your heart that you’d rather spend a lifetime with them than to live all of the ages of this world alone, or chasing after an incomparable love.

To “know love” is to know that you share a bond with each other that, even though you’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly in each other, you each can sift through the things that don’t and won’t matter in the long run and always return to the love you share at the end.

To “know love” is to know that you would rather have bad times together than good times with someone else; to know that you would rather be beside each other in a storm than safe and warm by yourself; to know that you’d rather have hard times together than to have it “easy” apart.

To “know love” is to acknowledge that God loves the other person even more than you do, and then ask Him to teach you how to love them the way He does.

To “know love” is to know that the little things matter and you should never pass by an opportunity to tell each other “I love you,” “Thank you,” and “I appreciate you.”

To “know love” is to know that whether you’re a few feet apart or hundreds of miles apart, distance can only keep you away physically, not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.

To “know love” is to acknowledge that neither of you is perfect, that you may fail each other – sometimes in small ways, sometimes in big ways, never intending to – but knowing that, in the end, you can still count on each other because while humans may fail, love never fails.

To “know love” is to learn each other’s “love language” and then to always be conscientious of communicating with each other accordingly.

To “know love” is to know that even though you should take care of yourself for the other person, that it’s okay to take care of each other, too.

To “know love” is to know that while you strive to grow individually, it doesn’t mean you have to grow apart.

To “know love” is to know that no one else in the world can love you the way the other does.

To “know love” is to know that things will not always be magically “perfect” and that a healthy relationship takes work, but then to make strides to make the “work” as pleasurable and painless as possible.

To “know love” is to know that a healthy relationship is where you come to give more than you take, and to know that your relationship is comparable with a banking account – being sure to make more “deposits” than you do “withdrawals.”

To “know love” is to know that even if nothing else in your life is right, your whole world is complete because of each other.

It's a chilly, Fall day here in Jacksonville. It finally feels the way it's supposed to.

I've been keeping myself busy this past week between work, writing for NaNoWriMo, exercising at the gym, and fixing the house up for Thanksgiving. The two patches of ceiling that were ruined from previous leaks are now fixed and that's just one more thing I can cross off the To Do List. I hope getting these things done will help Nick to have more peace of mind when he comes home. I know it bothers him to see things that need to be done when he really can't do them...

NaNoWriMo is going... pretty well, I guess. I'm a couple thousand words behind, but that's no big deal. I've had to use a few plot ninja's to keep the story going, but hey - that's okay. I may be burnt out on writing stories for a while after this, though  =)

My exercising is going well, too. I've lost almost twenty pounds over the past two months, so not too bad, if I do say so myself. Paul and Sheila stopped by for a few minutes earlier today and they both remarked that I'm looking "mighty thin."  It was nice of them to say so. I still have a ways to go, but eating healthy and getting plenty of water and exercise will get me where I want to be in good time. I can't wait to go shopping for a new pair of rockin' jeans  =)

The rest of my week is going to be pretty busy, since I'll be helping Gina prepare for Monica's baby shower, which is exactly a week from today. When I'm not over there helping her, I will be putting my nose to the grindstone and cleaning out our bedroom and closet. The closet is a hot mess and there's a ton of stuff that needs to be thrown out or moved out to the shed. I guess I'll also give our master bathroom a good scrub-down. There's no reason why we can't use it...

This weekend, I think I may be getting together with my old friend, Laura, at her aunt's house for poker. I don't know if I'll play since they play for money, but it will be good to see her after, what? Six, seven years? I can't wait to meet her kids, too. They look so cute in the pictures.

Things in Texas are going really well for Nick. He's been doing great, getting jobs left and right, and I am so thankful for that. I knew things would pick up and that it would just be a matter of time. I really admire his strength and determination in getting this business back off the ground. He certainly is one of the most courageous men I know... I wish I could tell him or show him just how proud I am of him, but I am at a loss. I hope he will know someday...  I found a bunch of old love letters I had written him over the years and was reminded at how much my love for him has grown. As I've matured, so has my love for him, and therefore so has my appreciation of him and of all the sacrifices he's made.  He certainly is one-of-a-kind...

Well, I am out of words today, so I guess I'll end this entry here. It's almost time to get ready for work anyway...

When I was younger, I thought love was just this magical thing that you fall into and suddenly see stars. It wasn't until I met Nick that I realized that God has designed someone especially for us. I have also learned that you build love, you don't just "fall" into it, and that with love comes good moments and bad moments - each good moment becomes a priceless memory and each bad moment becomes a learning block.

I also believe that no great love has ever been proven great without having been tested. Nick and I are going through a test right now, and I believe that the love we share is strong enough to survive whatever comes our way. We've had our tests in the past; we're in the biggest test we've ever experienced now, and I know we'll have more, but we have the rest of the lives to work through them...

I drove to Texas on Thursday with one of the men on Nick's crew and arrived there Thursday evening. When I saw Nick for the first time in almost a month, I coud have dissolved on the spot. We hugged and the bond, the chemistry, the love was still there. He took me out on a tour of Houston - I can see why he loves it there. I loved it, too, and wish we had more time to explore it together. He took me to an amazing Italian restaurant and we had a couple of drinks with dinner. After dinner, he took me out to Galveston, where the crew had been working, and showed me what they had done there. He also took me to the beach and we sat on the sea wall for a long time, just holding each other. He doesn't know it, but I spent a good chunk of that time praying... I was praying for him, that God would keep His hand on his life and on the path he is taking with the company. I prayed that God would keep the crew safe and the company successful, and that He would give Nick strength, peace, widsom and comfort throughout each day and night. I asked God to teach me how to love Nick like He loves Nick...

We stayed out until 4:00 in the morning and then went back to the house and fell asleep in each others arms for a few hours before it was time to head back to Jacksonville. Nick and I talked most of the way there, and we finally had THE talk - I told him about what I had been through in the years before him and who I associated with... and then I told him the truth about that night with Paul. It was not easy to do, but afterwards, I felt so much better, knowing that I had finally done the right thing. Nick was very attentive and interjected questions when he needed to, and above all, he was understanding.
 
I had told myself that even if it meant losing Nick, I would have that conversation with him, and even though it would have been easier to read him the letter I had written, I wanted to go in there as upfront, honest, and yes, vulnerable as possible. I think you can't ever really let someone love you fully until you allow yourself to become vulnerable to them. If you're not vulnerable, you may never know if you can really trust them - not just in the every day sense, but also in the emotional, mental, and spiritual sense. And so, probably for the first time in our relatioship, I bared my soul. I won't lie and say that I wasn't scared, because I was. Yet, at the same time, I had a sense of peace, because I knew I had done the right thing, and that having that conversation was the final step to starting out with a clean slate.

We arrived home late Friday night, dropped Nick's step-brother, Jorge, off at his mom's, and then we came home. Having Nick here with me for the first time in a month made me realize how much I had taken his presence here and in my life for granted. I hadn't thought  that I really did take it for granted, but I knew that night that I had... We caught up on some love-making and then fell happily into bed, and into each other's arms. 

Then, yesterday, we went with his family for Monica's 3-D ultrasound and needless to say, it was amazing. Terrance is going to be sooo cute! He has fat little cheeks, a cute button nose, big feet and tiny legs  =)  I can't wait to hold him in a couple more months. After the sonogram, we drove around with Angela for a bit and then went back to his mom's for lunch. We hung out there for a while and then went home to do some work on the fish tanks. We wound up taking Milton's remains to the beach and "laying him to rest" there. I called Mark on the way home to see if he wanted to do dinner and drinks with us, since he was in town helping my mom with some stuff, and we made plans to meet later that evening.  We met at Gator's to watch - of all things - the Gator game and dined on some yummy wings. It was great to see Mark for a while and spend time with two of my favorite men  =)

I won't go into any more drawn-out details, but suffice it to say that the weekend was wonderful. On the way to dinner last night, Nick mentioned that DeAnna would probably feel better about things once she found out that we had dinner with Mark. When I asked him why he'd think that, he said, "Because then she'll see that the only thing that has changed between us is a couple of titles." It sure felt that way... we kissed, held hands, held each other, talked, laughed, made love... and yet, it was different - it was better. I felt like we were two adults instead of one adult and one angsty teenager. We've both changed, even over the past two months, but I think the changes we been through and the changes we've made not only make us better individuals, but they also make us better for each other...

At the end of the day, I may not currently have the title  of "girlfriend," but I am still "his Katie" and he still loves me. That is what matters at the end of the day.

I still miss Nick like crazy, and sometimes a part of me just aches for him, but I am staying strong because I know that, as Nick said, this "away more than he's here is ONLY temporary" and that "it will all be worth it in the end."

And it will.